Who Writes This Stuff?

GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra (PG-13)

8/10/09

Dear Diary,

Today I ordered Destro and the Baroness to bring me the brain of Stephen Spielberg. Once inserted into Dr. Mindbender’s brainulator, Spielberg’s brain would have been forced to direct a motion picture immortalizing me, the Cobra Commander. Cobra!

Unfortunately, GI JOE intervened and that fool Destro settled for another director’s brain without telling me. He ended up grabbing Stephen Sommers, the incompetent wretch who made those terrible mummy movies! My movie is awful! GI JOE will pay for what they’ve done to Cobra, Diary!

Foremost among the offences, Sommers’s brain hired little Tommy Solomon to portray my greatness! This is an outrage! I demanded Sir Ian McKellan or Ben Kingsley at the very least! Instead I’ve been made a mockery in front of my minions by the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun! This will not stand, Diary.

Almost as insulting is the terrible script which contains no montages of my greatness as a young boy in Cobra-La and no images of the great Cobra smashing those pitiful JOES while screaming “COBRA!”. Sure, there are dozens of out of place flashbacks for Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow and that imbecile Duke. They even tried to say Duke has a thing with the Baroness, Diary. That’s ridiculous. Everyone around Cobra headquarters knows the Baroness packs a boxed lunch.

The plot is about as brainless as Sgt. Slaughter. Destro builds a super weapon and sells it to the Americans so he can steal it back and use it against them. Why did he sell it to them then? Why not just keep it? Or build another one? Even the real Destro isn’t that dumb. That makes even less sense than my plan to hide tiny soldiers inside Christmas presents to take over the world. I had hit the nog incredibly hard that year. I was more wasted than Lindsay Lohan after a two day bender with the Olsen twins and I still came up with something mostly coherent! What’s Sommers’s excuse?

After the movie I locked myself in my quarters with Will and Grace boxed sets and a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s to try and forget the whole thing, but then that dick Megatron called. He saw the movie. He and Hugo Weaving took it in after golf with Mumm-ra. Way to name drop, Megadouche. Why does he always have to rub it in, Diary?

Know this, Diary. Under the Cobra Commander’s mask, he weeps.