Who Writes This Stuff?

Hammerspace rolls his eyes and frowns smugly as he takes in the costumed cadre before us. He sighs. This reporter is uncertain what to do, as there may be a dangerous super powered battle of titanic proportions about to explode before him.

The team of superheroes ahead of us is called The Five Freedoms and they wear star spangled jump suits that appear old and somewhat faded as if they may have picked through Evel Knievel’s trash to form their wardrobe. Their leader, The Flouridian, speaks. “So, um, Hammerspace, you’re a wanted criminal,” says The Flouridian in a shivering, uncertain voice. “We can’t let you go.”

Hammerspace replies with a sneer. “I don’t have time for suposers. Get lost.” Suposers is a derogatory term for superheroes, specifically ones of questionable aptitude. “It’s super and poser. You put the words together and you get suposer. Also known as spandies, costards, justies, super zeroes, vigilidiots, the list goes on and on,” Hammerspace explains. “I wish you could see how much of this I deal with. People think that superpowers are always worth having, but that’s because you only ever hear about the useful ones. For every General Welfare out there there’s ten other guys who had the same lab accident but ended up with ability to smell colors or turn gold into silver by touching it or pee orange juice or something else that’s totally worthless. Most of them are smart enough to know they don’t have anything going for them, but some of them end up like these idiots.”

And he isn’t exaggerating. The Five Freedoms consist of The Flouridian, a man whose teeth (and only his teeth) are completely invincible, The Lamanator, who has the miraculous ability to read the mind of Lorenzo Lamas from anywhere on the planet, The Tether, an inner city youth who can fly as long as some part of his body is touching the ground, Force Field Girl, a young woman who can turn invisible, and last but not least, Foursight, a jazz musician who only sees what will be happening four minutes in the future.

The following is a transcript taken from my tape recording of the event.

Flouridian: You can’t talk about us like that, Hammerspace.
Hammerspace: I just did. What are you gonna do about it?
Foursight: Oh no, not Force Field Girl!
Force Field Girl: What? What about Force Field Girl?
Foursight: You get blown up after General Welfare gets here.
The Tether: General Welfare?
Foursight: He gets here but Hammerspace knows about it already somehow and he’s ready for him.
Hammerspace: Mwa ha ha ha ha! You’re a fool Foursight! You’ve brought doom upon yourself and your comrades! (Hammerspace pulls a large shovel from his jacket.)
Foursight: But General Welfare will be ready for you when he gets here. He already knows you know.
Hammerspace: Does he now? (Hammerspace pulls a hand grenade from his jacket.)
Flouridian: Foursight, shut up! You’re going to get us all killed!
Force Field Girl: No! I have to know how I get blown up. I don’t want to die!
Lamanator: Lorenzo has decided to change the style of his ponytail!
Flouridian: That’s all he ever does! Why are you even on the team?
Mike Leon: Do you mind if I ask you some questions?
Flouridian: Identify yourself!
Mike Leon: Mike Leon, I’m interviewing Hammerspace for Trigger magazine. How long have you been superheroes?
Flouridian: Whoa! Whoa! We’re not superheroes. That’s a trademark. We’re super heroes. Two words.
Mike Leon: I don’t think that’s how trademarks work.
Flouridian: Are you an intellectual property attorney?
Mike Leon: No.
Flouridian: Then shut up. You want to get sued?
Force Field Girl: Please don’t let me die! Please!
Lamanator: Can’t you just make a force field?
Force Field Girl: No. That’s not my power!
The Tether: It’s not? That’s stupid.
Hammerspace: Enough! It’s time for you all to meet your doom!

Hammerspace tosses the hand grenade into the group of superheroes. I turn and leap head first into an open dumpster. The dumpster rattles from the blast of the grenade. I poke my head out in time to see Hammerspace smacking The Flouridian in the face with the Mallet of Malice. An invincible tooth embeds itself in the steel of the dumpster.

The Tether flies toward Hammerspace with one finger touching the ground, and the Lamanator comes at him with an uprooted stop sign (I’m still unsure if he plucked it himself or it was blown free by the grenade), but Hammerspace is like an engine of destruction amidst the feeble abilities of The Five Freedoms. He sends them sprawling. As the members of the hero team attempt to peel themselves from the pavement he cackles loudly.

“Your powers are useless against me, Freedoms,” he says as he raises his mallet to crush the head of the unconscious Lamanator. “Now I shall destroy you all!”

But as Hammerspace brings the mallet down something stops him. Something none of us saw coming (well, except for Foursight) halts the force of his smashing attack with quickness like none I’ve ever seen before.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Doctor Jacket causing mayhem and destruction,” says the star spangled crusader before us in a booming and masculine voice reminiscent of a 1960’s television commercial. He stands an even six feet of perfectly chiseled muscle decked out in a skin tight American flag themed costume topped by a four star general’s M1 steel pot helmet. He is General Welfare, possibly the most well known superhero in the world.

“I can’t let you hurt these citizens, Jacket!” Welfare thunderously proclaims as he lifts Hammerspace off the ground by his neck with one hand.

“For the tenth time at least, it’s Hammerspace. Hammer space,” Hammerspace angrily replies. “Now be a real patriot and DIE for your country!” As he shouts he draws a flame thrower and unleashes a furious stream of burning napalm that engulfs General Welfare. The General tosses Hammerspace to the ground.

“Only monsters settle their problems with guns, Jacket! It’s a good thing I’m completely invulnerable or that cowardly cheap shot would have hurt.”

“Blast you, Welfare! Mark my words! We will meet again!”

With that, Hammerspace tosses a smoke bomb at the ground and vanishes. He’s gone. I bury myself back in the dumpster to avoid being seen by the recovering superheroes, but I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Hammerspace.

Next Week: Terrible man, terrible childhood.