Who Writes This Stuff?

I think one of my friends might be a serial killer. I haven’t seen any evidence of course. And I’m not going to tell you what I’ve seen, specifically, to bring me to this conclusion. I’ll only say that this person has a certain vibe that says serial killer to me.

It works like this. I can tell you exactly what is wrong with every person I know. Yeah, myself included (I have a massive superiority complex – way bigger than yours). I know, for instance, that McBlankedy has a drug problem and Blankeypants is stuck in the closet and Blankette has serious daddy issues. Everybody has some kind of major flaw. No one is excluded.

But then there’s one guy. This one guy is just the coolest guy I know. There isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s never in trouble. He’s always agreeable. Everybody likes him. He looks good. He keeps up with pop culture.

I started thinking about this and it didn’t add up. You can’t always be positive and agreeable. You can’t like and be liked by everybody. Every person has their own viewpoints and just in the course of every day life you must meet SOMEONE who doesn’t agree with at least one of yours… Unless you’re a hollow man – someone who moves through the masses as nothing more than a facade – a wolf in sheep’s clothing if you will. The hollow man simply nods and agrees as many times as necessary to lure in his prey. Then, when they least suspect, he strikes.

I thought I was having one of my many paranoid delusions when this theory first crossed my mind. Then a few weeks ago I was driving somewhere with another mutual acquaintance when possible hollow man’s name came up. “You know, I think there’s something a little off about #####,” he said. So I inquired further. Turns out we both feel the same way. ##### is just that guy we’re going to see on the news in ten years because they found eleven dead prostitutes in his house. And when it happens everyone will say how shocked they are because he was such a nice guy.

So this led me to a brief ethical dilemma. What does one do when they have a sneaking suspicion their friend may be a serial killer?

I know my answer. Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m pretty sure I don’t fit the victim profile, so I’m safe. And I like to have quirky friends. It makes life more interesting.