Who Writes This Stuff?

Today I went on a job interview. For my job interview I suited up so that I would look like a real power player. I’m not a suit guy at all, even though I do look good in them. The damn things are just too uncomfortable. You can’t stretch in them. You would definitely be at a disadvantage in a karate fight. They have impractical buttons and cuffs and pleats and a jacket that doesn’t keep you warm, but the dumbest part of the suit – the DUMBEST part – is the necktie. It always gets me wondering. What the hell is the point of a necktie?

I’m serious. Have you ever thought about it? People wear them every day but they don’t stop and think “what’s this thing for?”  They should. It’s completely pointless. It’s a long strand of fabric that you tie around your neck to make your chances of having an industrial accident increase very slightly. That’s all it does. It makes you just a little more likely to be sucked into a lathe or press or baler or some other heavy machine you might be standing near. Why do we do this to ourselves?

The best theory I can come up with was that the tie was originally intended as a hands free handkerchief of some sort. You could use it to blow your nose or wipe up a spill with something conveniently hanging from your neck. Over time, people got tired of seeing mucus encrusted on each other’s chest ornaments and the tie evolved into an entirely asthetic device. I checked the repository of all knowledge (Wikipedia) for evidence that supports my theory.

According to Wikipedia the necktie began life as the cravat. A cravat is one of those frilly things like George Washington is wearing on the dollar bill. Apparently, in the 1600’s the French hired Croatian mercenaries to fight for them (insert joke about the French hiring other people to fight for them). The mercenaries wore frilly cravats tied around their necks as part of their uniform. French citizens in Paris became enamoured with these things and simply had to have them. Cravats began popping up all over France and soon the trend spread to England much like the Rage virus from 28 Days Later.

The cravat evolved into the necktie at the beginning of the industrial revolution because men wanted something that was easier to tie at work. This sounds to me like a terrible idea. You can only imagine how many people died because their necktie got caught in a machine. No one cared enough to keep any statistics though, because they were all factory workers and back then factory workers weren’t people (they were like prostitutes are today).

I had some trouble finding out why the Croatians wore the original cravats in the first place. I asked my friend Kreso, who happens to be Croatian, and he said that the women would tie cravats on their men when they left for war so that other women would know they were spoken for. That means Croatians wore cravats for basically the same reason guys wear their pants low in prison: To let everyone know they’re a bitch.

So I learned two things today. First I learned that I was right all along about the necktie. It’s stupid. Second I learned that, as with many other completely retarded things, the French are largely to blame.